I truly believe you can learn about your future by looking at your past. Every time I start working with a client, we spend time exploring their views on sex, intimacy, how they were raised, life experiences, and the world views that surround them. Their upbringing and life worldview can consciously or subconsciously color the way they view intimacy, and that will invariably influence their relationships.
The various messages we receive growing up and throughout life can really impact our view on sex and intimacy. For most people there is a layer of shame, sometimes two feet deep, that can have a profound impact on their sex life.
In my new book, Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure, I devote an entire chapter to shame, which I call “The Nastiest Five Letter Word in the Universe”. Shame is so insidious that we feel shame even talking about shame. It’s rarely brought up, except maybe in the context of therapy.
But shame creeps up constantly in our lives. Rarely does a client walk through my door without shouldering a boatload of shame.
This shame can stem from a variety of experiences, subconscious world views, our environment and even the way we saw our parents express intimacy towards each other.
Here are a few examples of some common ‘pain’ areas most of us have experienced. If these sound familiar to you, know that you are not alone and this is the first step to reaching your full pleasure potential!
For women: We are programmed to say no to sex. We are told to “keep our legs shut” and to always be wary of boys because they only ever want one thing. Girls who are sexually active are also slut-shamed, most commonly by other girls
These messages disconnect us from our body and our own healthy desire for sexual intimacy.
For men: Unlike women, most men are encouraged to sow their wild oats as long as they “always use protection” and “don’t get her pregnant”. This mentality encourages the objectification of women, which makes it harder for a man to create intimacy and appreciate a woman for characteristics besides her looks or how good she is in bed.
For everyone: We all receive negative messages about our body which also impacts our sexuality. Too big or too small sex organs, breasts, and butts. Discomfort with looking at our own naked bodies. Feeling that we are too tall, too short, too thin or too fat. This makes us feel not good enough and not desirable by another.
These common influences are both powerful and harmful, and most of the time completely unconscious. But you have to understand where your shame and intimacy world views come from in order for you to move forward.
That is why I work with all my clients to help them figure out their Sexual Blueprint. Think about it like an architectural plan. It shows all the details of how a house is built and what goes into it.
Much like those plans, you have a blueprint that is comprised of all your life experiences, like the examples above, that make up your sense of self as a sexual being. The elements include:
- Messages you received about sex as a child from parents, other adults, and society
- Early childhood sexual exploration with yourself and/or others
- Your first sexual experiences
- Relationships with your Mother and Father or primary caregiver
- Seminal Events that impacted your Body Image
- Religious Ideology or Indoctrination
In my book, I provide a guide and a series of exercises to help you understand and interpret your own sexual blueprint. I even give you some suggestions to help you normalize shame, including sharing your sexual blueprint with a friend or a partner.
I also share my own shame stories and those of my clients so that you will see that you’re not alone and likely share many similar experiences. Getting familiar and comfortable with your shame is the most important step towards healing it and realizing your full pleasure and intimacy potential.
Let’s get you living your fullest pleasure potential!
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