Whoever said having a great relationship doesn’t take work is as trustworthy as a used car salesperson!
Run away from them as fast as you can.
The truth is that every relationship takes work unless you bury your head in the sand (like my ex-husband and I did for over two decades) and create the false impression to the world that you have a perfect marriage.
After 15 months in a new relationship I can attest to the amount of time and resources it takes to grow and strengthen our relationship.
The first year was easy peasy, especially while all that new relationship energy was flowing.
We saw each other through rose colored glasses and found each other’s quirks to be cute and adorable.
Fifteen months in and those adorable quirks can quickly become annoying AF habits as you see your partner with all of their humanness and flaws.
This is when the real work of being in a relationship starts.
When you start to take down all the shields and agree to show up as your imperfect messy self.
If you’ve never done it before (and many of us haven’t), it can be really scary.
You don’t know for sure how your partner will react to the true you.
It might be really hard for you to show your authentic pain and confusion when conflict arises, as it always will in a relationship at some point.
And the triggers that it sets off can often feel overwhelming, a familiar sense of “Oh shit…Here I am again…”
Here are five tips to work through relationship conflicts:
1. Know Your Triggers
We all have wounds and triggers from childhood that continue to rear their ugly heads with an intimate partner. A big trigger for me is the feeling of rejection when my partner shuts down because of something I said or did that triggered him.
My mother used to do this to me. If I upset her, she would simply shut down and walk away from me, further exacerbating my abandonment wound. Knowing your trigger helps you to understand where your reaction is coming from and view it in a different light. In a time of non-conflict you can also share with each other what your triggers are which will make you both more sensitive to how to relate to each other.
2. Acknowledge that Conflict is a Two-Way Street and Own Your Part
You might want to think that you’re the one who is always right in a conflict, but that is a recipe for disaster. By their nature, conflicts occur when both partners are triggered or wounded. Occasionally something egregious happens where it really is more on one partner to repair, but nine times out of ten, your own actions also played a part in the conflict.
3. Recognize the Emotions Underneath the Conflict
Contrary to your belief, conflict is not about the facts… ever. It’s actually about the emotions underlying the facts. Trying to argue the facts is pointless and just leads to defensiveness and talking in circles. Repairing a conflict means that you’re having a conversation about emotions, not facts.
4. Be Freakin Vulnerable
Vulnerability means showing your partner your pain, fear, discomfort, helplessness, etc. And it is the only way to move towards resolution. When my partner and I can look in each other in the eyes and both see and feel each other’s fear and pain, we know that we’re on the right track and instantly feel more emotionally connected with each other.
5. Get Help
Conflict resolution can be tricky. And often a third party who can be totally objective, such as a coach or counselor, is necessary. Even though I do a great job helping couples learn how to resolve conflicts and have a lot of tools in my tool belt, I sometimes need outside support.
When you’re deep in conflict, you can’t see the forest for the trees. And as I can attest to, coaching your partner never works!
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