So You Think You Want To Have A Threesome…

Have you ever wanted to have a threesome?  Has your partner ever discussed interest in doing so?  If it’s something you’re considering, I want to share some solid advice about whether you should or shouldn’t.  And if you decide to go ahead and do it, I have some tips for helping make it a successful, pleasurable experience for all.

First, consider your reasons for wanting to do it.  Are you bored?  Have you lost interest in your partner?  Are you just looking to spice things up?

If the answer to any of these questions is Yes, then I wouldn’t prescribe a threesome as medicine to heal your relationship problems.

In my experience (both personally and professionally), threesomes can be great if you and your partner already have a very safe, secure bond and are both excited about experiencing it.  And if not, a threesome can invite disaster.

What if one of us wants a threesome, but the other doesn’t?

Don’t do it.

At base, all healthy intimacy rests on a foundation of consent, and doing something that one of you isn’t a “fuck yes!” about is going to weaken your bond.

But let’s say you’re both enthusiastic about the idea, then what?

Do it!

But first… some Do’s and Don’ts.

DO Discuss your boundaries.

One of the biggest keys to a successful threesome is laying out what your expectations are.  What would you like to have happen?  What you do not want to happen?

If you and your partner have already laid this out together, then you also need to have a conversation about this with the person joining you.  (This third person is often called a unicorn.)

DO take into consideration the needs and feelings of your unicorn.  So many couples view a threesome as meeting their needs, either individually or as a couple.  And some couples aren’t super considerate of the person joining them, which I consider to be unethical.  Find out what motivates them to want to be intimate with you, and be certain you are mindful of their needs and pleasure.

DO NOT treat the unicorn as being less important than you or your partner.  At its best, a threesome should be three people coming together as equals, without couple privilege making the unicorn feel less-than.

DO NOT try to have a threesome in an intoxicated state!  Intoxication will blur your boundaries and make asking for and receiving consent difficult (or impossible).

DO have a plan.  Will you take turns “middling” (being the person who is being lavished with attention)?  Will most of the attention be focused on one person?  And if so, is everyone on board with that?

DO have snacks and refreshments.  A threesome is intense!  Be open to taking a break so you can get something to hydrate and nourish you, and have a check-in on how everyone is doing.

And finally…

DO set aside your preconceived expectations, be safe, and let yourself have fun!

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