Sleeping in Separate Beds is OK!

 

Dearest Gentle Reader:  (Can you tell that I’ve been sick with Covid all week long and have binge watched all of Bridgerton…)  So allow me this small indulgence.  It’s actually a miracle that I can put two sentences together no less find some creative juices in this foggy brain! 

The question that I pose for you today is whether or not partnered couples who choose to sleep in separate bedrooms is unhealthy for the relationship? 

This came up on my feed quite a lot this week and it’s a question that is near and dear to my heart as well. 

I read an article about this in the New York Times (read the gifted article here) and the general consensus among therapists is that it brings up some warning signals that all is not well. 

And yet it’s a growing trend.  According to some research, one in five partnered couples sleep in separate rooms. 

Interior designers say that more and more couples are looking to create two primary rooms that are connected so that no one feels like they are being relegated to the guest room. 

The real question to ask is why a couple wants to sleep separately. 

There’s clearly a difference between sleeping separately because of sleep disturbances, different work schedules, having an illness versus not wanting to spend time with your partner.

And it’s true.  When a relationship is struggling, sleeping in separate rooms is definitely a big red flag. It’s much easier to avoid communicating and dealing with relationship issues, when you can go to your own room and hide away. 

We don’t know what part of the 25% of couples sleeping separately this pertains too, but I suspect it’s higher than one thinks. 

Benefits of Sleeping Separately:

One of the biggest advantages of separate rooms is that you get to SLEEP…undisturbed by your partner’s snoring, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome or night time waking.  This is especially important if you are a light sleeper like me. 

As one who is firmly in the camp of separate bedrooms, I know that I’m a much nicer person and feel a lot better when I get a good night of uninterrupted sleep.

And trust me we’ve tried every anti-snoring device out there…from the night guards that don’t work to the $600 anti-snoring pillow. 

Also, sleeping separately forces you to be very intentional about sexy times.  My partner and I cuddle in bed every night and every morning before we get up for the day. 

Couples in healthy relationships typically say that their sex life has improved, rather than diminished after deciding to sleep separately.  

This makes sense since in my opinion, spontaneous late night sex is usually not that satisfactory to either party. 

Cons of Sleeping Separately

 

Humans thrive on touch and there is certainly a loss of that when you reach out for some comfort in the middle of the night.  I would be lying if I said that I don’t miss having another warm body in my bed at times. 

Also, there is still a stigma, especially for those over 50, about sleeping in separate rooms. 

We were socialized to believe that marriage means sharing a bed for the rest of our lives. 

And yes, the spontaneous late night sex is less likely to happen. But as I’ve already said, for most couples that is generally the least satisfying experience. 

So at the end of the day, I urge you dear readers to follow your heart and your body and make a choice that works for you and your relationship.  And don’t be afraid to come out of the closet!  The more we talk about this, the more normalized it becomes.

Here’s to a good night’s rest (in whatever form works best for you)