Four Steps to Getting Un-Stuck from Relationship Muck

You know the feeling… when you’re stuck in some muck, not able to see clearly, unable to solve the relationship problem that keeps coming up, again and again.  Here are four concrete steps of how to free yourselves.

1. Schedule the Hard Conversations

Time alone does not, in fact, heal wounds.  Schedule a time where you can meet with your partner and be very open about what’s going on.  Don’t wait for the next explosion; schedule it now.

And while you’re scheduling it, make it a weekly conversation, a check-in where you can discuss whatever has come up.  If you need to, give yourselves a reward of some kind for having the meeting.  Whatever it takes to make this kind of real, vulnerable sharing a regular thing.

2. Take Turns Talking & Listening

Decide who will go first.  Set a timer for fifteen minutes.  And for those fifteen minutes, the Partner 1 will explain the problem as they see it and explain their feelings around it.  Their partner cannot and should not interrupt.  Partner 2’s job is to listen actively.

At the end of fifteen minutes, Partner 2 has a chance to respond, but only with acknowledgement, not table-turning, not excuses.  “I hear that you’re feeling sad and lonely.  I hear that you’re not feeling seen, and your needs aren’t being met.”  Partner 2 can apologize, but only if the apology has no “but” after it.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but [blah blah blah]” is not an apology.

An apology is:  “I’m so sorry you feel that.  I can see how much it hurts right now, and I feel awful that my actions (or inactions) have made you feel that way.  I want to do better.”

After Partner 2 has acknowledged and validated, re-set the timer for 15 minutes, and then it’s Partner 2’s turn to share and Partner 1’s turn to actively listen and then, after the fifteen minutes, to acknowledge and validate.

At the end, tell each other thank you, and mean it.  Sharing can feel hard, but it’s so necessary to maintain a close bond.

3.  Focus on Fun

Yes, you may still be having problems, but that doesn’t mean you have to forego fun and pleasure.  Think back to the early days of your relationship and remember what kinds of things you liked about each other and what things you liked to do.  Jot down some of those ideas and of fun things you haven’t done but would like to do.  Once a week, pick one of the things and do it.  For ideas on fun, playful things to do, check out this post.

4.  Don’t Wait Too Long to Seek Help

If you’ve tried three times to repair a rift in your relationship and you haven’t seen any significant improvement, it’s time to seek outside help.  I do work with couples one-on-one whose issues revolve mainly around sex.  But my schedule is limited, and many folks have relationship issues that are farther-reaching than the bedroom.  So in those cases, I often refer clients to a couples counselor.  Usually, I refer folks to Derek Hart, whom I’ve worked with myself, and whose skills I find to be magical.

You might be thinking, “Xanet, you’re an intimacy coach yourself!  Why can’t you solve your own relationship problems?!”

I can solve a lot of relationship problems, and if I saw the same problem in another person’s relationship, I’d probably have a great idea of how to address it!  But sometimes, when we’re in the fog ourselves, we can’t see clearly.  And we need an outsider’s assistance to help us get back to shore.

But What If It Doesn’t Work…?

Then you end it.  This isn’t a choice to take lightly.  But sometimes, parting ways really is the best choice for all involved.  If the problems are too deep, if the vast majority of your time is spent in conflict, not connection, then stop.  There is no honor in continuing to torture each other. “Sticking it out” doesn’t win you any awards.  Staying together for the kids (when things are irreparably broken) will, I promise, only make therapy more necessary for the kids.

Wishing you love, and luck in love!