Breathe, Allow, Rest, Repeat: Tips To Surrendering Control

A strategy I often teach about is maintaining polarity in relationship.  For maximum sensuality and sexual pleasure, a couple generally needs to have one partner who is more in control, and one who is more allowing and receptive.  It’s the whole concept of Yin and Yang.  Positive and negative, wet and dry, light and dark.  Contrast creates intensity, and without contrast, everything is sorta gray.

Often this polarity shows up in the form of traditional gender roles.  The masculine role is dominant and giving, whereas the feminine is submissive and receptive.  In this age of increased gender fluidity, I’d note that these labels might be out-of-sync.  I don’t have a good substitute for them just yet, though, so please accept their imperfection and know that I don’t mean these terms as a way to pin anyone into a role that feels wrong to them.

Back to polarity.

This concept can be problematic for a lot of folks.  Many of us, like myself, were raised to believe that women need to step up and be self-sufficient, to be able to do everything and do it better than men in order to succeed and get ahead.  For strong, powerful women, stepping back into a more passive, allowing, receptive space can feel very disempowering.  It feels old-fashioned, anti-feminist, and decidedly unsexy to a lot of modern women.

But the consequences to a healthy, sexy relationship if one partner cannot step into a more receptive, passive role are disastrous.

Do you know how it feels to have someone hovering over you, correcting you, fixing you, telling you what you need to do better all the time?

It sucks.

And every time you do that to your partner, no matter how well intentioned, you push them away.  You show your lack of trust, your lack of confidence in their ability to lead, or to simply be OK.

Take a deep breath and trust.  Trust that he knows how to do the thing, how to fix the thing, how to figure shit out.

Some concrete steps to help release your white-knuckle grip:

1.  Curb your criticism.  Just because you’re thinking something critical doesn’t mean you need to say it out loud.  I’m all for open communication and being open about issues, but there is certainly a point past which it’s just not helpful to keep voicing your criticism.  Either he’ll figure it out or he won’t, but you telling him how to figure it out won’t make it go better.
2. Stop being pushy.  If you’re like me (smart, successful, mostly-solo), you’re used to getting everything your way.  That’s great… if you want to be single.  But in relationship, you won’t get everything your way, nor should you.  Stop pushing for everything to go the way you want it to.  Accept and allow that other people may have a different idea of how it should go.  Instead of judging or dismissing their ideas, be curious about what their solution might look like.
3. Loosen up on your schedule.  You might have a set idea of how much time you and your partner spend together, or a fixed idea of when your partner needs to be available for you.  While that may work some of the time, being rigid during turbulent times will just lead to breakage.  Learn to lean and sway like a tree.  Don’t be so fixed in space that you fall over in a storm.
4. Find ways to reduce your anxiety.  A lot of control issues stem from anxiety, because fixing other people’s problems can make the fixer feel less anxious.  However, this isn’t a healthy pattern.  Find strategies that help you lower your own anxiety without having to go around fixing other people to make you feel better.  Some strategies to try are EFT (tapping), meditation, therapy, exercise, and time in nature.