The 411 On Being Your Own Lover

In the spirit of a brand new look, feel and direction of The Power of Pleasure website, I thought it would be fitting to talk to you about why you should be your own lover. The importance of renewing your connection to yourself and your body is the first step in your journey to orgasmic bliss!

I always say that in order to be a great lover to somebody else, you should begin by really getting to know yourself. Explore and begin to understand what you want, know where your desire leads, and internalize what really turns you on and off. You could do this with a partner but one of the best ways to experience the power and healing is to be your own partner.

For those of you who are new to my website or blog, I am Xanet and I work with a lot of people, especially women, who have been through sexual abuse and trauma. I help women in all stages of life find their path to healing and recovery,  and get them back in touch with their sexuality. 

One of the first steps I ALWAYS take with a new client is to have them start to explore their own sexuality— in other words becoming their own lover, by touching themselves and loving their body up. I know there is still a stigma around female masturbation for a lot of different reasons. So many of us were shamed or had our hand swatted away when we touched ourselves as little ones or were, like me, caught playing doctor with a friend, and severely punished. This leaves us with discomfort about touching our own genitals and disconnects us from our pleasure and our sexuality. 

The process of healing our discomfort and shame about masturbation begins with understanding where it came from in the first place. Typically these are not your own beliefs but those of parents, religious and cultural institutions. They might have been imposed upon you as a child, but as an adult, you can break free of those false beliefs and create positive ones about your body and your pleasure.

 Personally, I am not a fan of the term masturbation due to the negative connotation it brings with it. We need to start thinking of it more as a self-loving practice because in reality, when we “masturbate”, we are loving ourselves and accepting all of our body. It is when we touch our own body, accept all of our body, and become comfortable with ourselves that we start the process of healing. 

Here are my top five ways to get in touch with your  body, that I recommend you try:

1. Move your body, whether through dance, yoga, running or lifting weights. Getting into your body and really feeling all of the sensations is key to awakening your body.
2. Breathe deeply into your belly and your pelvis.  Deep belly breathing activates the vagus nerve, which not only relaxes you but also helps you experience more sensations in your body since it’s directly connected to all of your major organs, including your skin.
3. Awaken more of your senses.  Bring flowers into the house and smell them regularly. Use essential oils on your body. Notice which ones bring you pleasure and which ones might not be your cup of tea. 
4. Take a bath and feel the warm water reach every part of your body. Become aware of where it goes and how it feels on your toes, legs, belly, nipples and even in your hair. 
5. Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud seven statements about your body that you love.  Harder than you think for most people because we tend to only look at the negative aspects of our body.

A self-loving practice is an all-encompassing practice of loving every part of your body and the effects you feel from it. Once you start noticing these sensations, you should be able to follow what it is you desire and understand better what gets you aroused.

Doing this self-loving practice regularly will start making you more intuitive and less rigid when it comes to sex and your sexuality. It doesn’t necessarily have to end in an orgasm, it is more about getting to know every inch of your body— your likes, your turn-ons, and your dislikes as well. 

If you’re struggling with getting into your body and feeling shut down, check out my free 14-day body awakening program.  It’s a great first step to being your own lover!