I’ll admit it, there are times when the thought of Valentine’s Day brought me angst in the past. Wondering how my ex-husband might let me down (again), dreading a ‘celebration’ that I knew would be less than celebratory. Or, some years, single and feeling sad as I watched others celebrate their relationships, seeming to be happy and in love.
Now that I’m older and thankfully wiser, I know better than to judge a relationship on what’s Insta-worthy. Most people only post the good bits, and the real story is always more complex.
It’s why I read with great interest the story of Emily Nagasaki’s love story. A few years ago, she wrote a best selling book on relationships, Come As You Are. But then, while still basking in her success, she watched as her own relationship crumbled before her eyes!
Her story doesn’t end there, though. A self-professed “sex nerd,” she researched what helps couples achieve long term sexual satisfaction and came up with a formula:
1. They are friends.
2. They prioritize sex.
3. They ignore outside opinions about what sex should look like and do what works for them.
Using her own advice, Emily and her husband worked on their relationship and reignited their love.
This story, along with other insight and advice, is the backbone of her new book, Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections. What she shares in the book aligns closely with a message I’ve been shouting for a while: Successful sex isn’t just about your libido! It’s not all about spontaneous desire! And it’s not all about responsive desire, either!
The true measure of success is pleasure.
I’d also take this a step farther, and I’d argue that this advice applies to single people too!
So, if your idea of Valentine’s Day doesn’t match up with your actual day, what can you do to shift that?
Prioritize pleasure.
If you’re single, that might mean getting a massage, or just taking a pleasure-filled bath. You might try some orgasmic breathwork.
And if you’re coupled but feeling lackluster about the state of your sex life, set aside some time with your partner to work on it.
Prioritize pleasure!
Put it on the calendar! And make room for it in your life.
As Emily suggests, let go of other people’s ideas (maybe even your own ideas) of what successful sex looks like, and consider what truly brings you pleasure. Tell your partner! (Lovingly, obviously!)
Then ask your partner: “What brings YOU pleasure?”
Next, give yourselves time. Take turns sharing. And discuss until you can find some consensus about what to do that can bring each of you pleasure.
I recommend taking turns, giving each other time to drop in to what makes you feel good.
And if you want more… Well, stay tuned! I’m putting together another retreat in paradise, and will be posting details soon!
Sending you love, and wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day!
xoxo
Xanet
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