Does Penis Size Matter ?

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does penis size matter?

Over the past few months, I have been leading a series of intimacy workshops with my colleague Michael Gelbart and have had the opportunity to hear many women and men talk candidly about what they want in an intimate relationship.   To my surprise the topic of penis size came up in one of these workshops.

What women want in an intimate relationship

In one of the exercises, we form a women’s circle and the men listen into our conversations about what it takes for us to trust men, what characteristics we appreciate in men  and what turns us on sexually.  We do a similar exercise with the men in the center.  It is always amazing to see the tenderness among men, their vulnerability  and the pressure  to be both masculine and feminine at the same time.   The conversations have been so deep and revealing that numerous participants have said  their lives might have been completely different if they heard these conversations in their early 20s.

During a recent woman’s circle, a very powerful, brilliant, beautiful woman, said that a big cock was an absolute requirement for the long term partner that she is looking for.  I heard the air go out of the room in the men’s circle that was surrounding us, and instructed all the men to take a breath.  The comment triggered a really strong reaction in me because I am so sensitive to the pressure that men are under about the size and effectiveness of their penis.

Owning our Desires

Several men immediately jumped in and tried to determine whether or not there was any “wiggle” room in what this woman was looking for in a partner.  One man asked if she could be satisfied if her partner had all of the other qualities she was looking for (empathy, open heart, strong masculine energy, maturity).  A few other women also  had some reaction to her comments.  But to her credit, this woman was resolute in her desire for a large penis and also expressed that she was feeling judged by the group’s reaction.

I’ve been ruminating about this conversation and trying to sort out my own emotions.  On the one hand, I celebrate the fact that this goddess knows exactly what her body wants and what’s important to her in an intimate relationship. And I so appreciate her being able to speak her truth and be in her power.  But I also felt there was a level of  objectification of men inherent in her desire.

There is a lot of shame around our physical attributes and body image for both men and women.  Penis size is a huge issue for many men as is breast size and the size and shape of  butts and thighs for women.   There is also no question that physical attributes play an important role in sexual desire and attraction.  

There are other ways in which a man can pleasure a woman regardless of the size of their penis.  Many women experience the most intense orgasms from G spot stimulation which is most effective through the use of fingers, no cock necessary.  There are also numerous toys and dildos that can simulate the feeling of having a large penis inside of you.

I’ve spoken to several women about this and have had a variety of reactions.  For some women, penis size is very important and others don’t really care.  Personally it’s never been that important to me.  I’m really curious though to know from my readers and fans…How important is penis size to you?

Leave your Comment Below!

15 Responses to "Does Penis Size Matter ?"
  1. Anonymous says:

    There was no objectification of men in my desire, the question was asked and I answered it honestly. Every woman has the right to want what they want, if that’s not what other women want I applaud that, but I have the right to want what I want and to express it when asked a direct question, I had other requirements like depth and heart and spiritual maturity but it seems a big penis is all that is being remembered. What a woman wants is personal and intimate and should be honored and not vilified.

  2. Ed says:

    I had a reaction at first to what this woman wants but I breathed and said, she has the right to want what she wants. If I looked at this from a perspective of scarcity – then I might have a fear that all women want this and in may never measure up to their needs. If I look at this from abundance then this is just one persons desire not all and while I might not be right for her, I don’t know what is big to here, then there are other partners for me… So she should follow here heart

  3. Knows_Her_Body says:

    Oh I loved this article on a complicated and tender subject we wish weren’t true, until I reached your analysis of her desire – that she is ‘objectifying’ men’s bodies. Just because most women can reach g-spot orgasms through alternative means doesn’t mean they’re equivalent in sensation, or that a desire for a large cock has anything at all to do with appearance or objectification.

    For me, for my health and sexual well-being, there is a magnetism in the male/female link of lingam to yoni. Amrita and full-body orgasm happen much more organically for me through being on top a big-enough penis where the man knows how to throw his energy into the tip – it’s the only way the orgasms will rise above my head and wash my body. Not a huge cock, but big and hard enough. Although I come easily in many diverse ways, nothing else comes close to that ecstasy.

    This is a difficult truth because I could be 100% attracted to a man in every way but if I can’t enjoy mind-blowing cowgirl with just the right fit, nothing in the world would get me to commit to that relationship. I know myself and my spiritual and sexual health and needs, and it sounds like this gal does too. We shouldn’t discount her experience as objectification.

    A man with a small penis (or really large penis) is every bit as masculine and awesome and beautiful to me – sexually and in every way – but it just won’t do what I need to do. Hard fact from a very pro-man woman who, a long time ago, used to think fingers were her favorite.

    Think of it like this: if a woman’s yoni has a slight right-side curve, she’s going to fit best with a left-curving penis, right? It’s not objectification for her to crave the right magnetic fit. She knows what she knows.

    Thankfully for all of us, there are plenty of right-leaning and left-leaning lingams and yonis in the world, plenty of different cravings and unique matches. A small-penis man is not just a desirable but *preferable* partner to many women! Just not for this woman, or the one in your article.

  4. Sara says:

    Xanet,
    I don’t often answer questions like this but I am compelled to weigh in on a subject that is near and dear to my heart -penises.

    And heart is the main point of my answer. I haven’t experienced a small penis so I cannot speak to the physical or emotional pleasure of that. As far as medium to large size – when I’m in a loving relationship with the man, size has never been an issue. We find ways to move our bodies together such that the stimulation is pleasurable regardless of size.

    Earlier I mentioned emotional pleasure. Our culture has strong messages about Bigger is better in most aspects of American living. Unfortunately that has permeated the sexual world and can create a lot of anxiety. One’s beliefs and expectations can limit their arousal for both the man and the woman. It seems that when both are in a loving and passionate mindset that the penis can grow before your eyes just by your admiration and loving attention.

  5. Amy says:

    I rarely post comment either, but I have to say I totally agree with Sara. As to the woman who feels villified… You are choosing to react that way. There is room for everyone’s opinions and feelings in this world, and it doesn’t mean you have to like or agree with anyone.
    I have always found that choosing a partner based on an emotional/mental/spiritual/physical connection leads to great sex in many forms. I have had all shapes and sizes, from very small to excessively large. I even ran away from one man that seemed too big at the time…seriously-horse-sized! If I were to go chasing the pleasure I found with a previous partner in one particular position… (ie; making that the basis of why i would choose someone just to recreate that with) I would really be shutting myself off to new beginnings, possibilities, and positions with my new partner.
    Yonis are magical! They can grow, shrink, and adapt to fit!!! Honestly, working Kegals can help develop your muscles to be able to feel and form to any size of vajra. It makes a huge difference in sensation. I know a women who has had 4 children and has the vagina of a teenager (according to her gynaecologist), because she does Kegals constantly.
    I feel called to share something a little controversial… and maybe it is true for her and maybe it isn’t… If you are easily offended, stop reading now.
    I have one spiritual teacher that says women who ‘chase’ large cocks have usually been sexually abused by a man at an early age. His reason being that when you are little, your hand compared to a penis is very tiny and you are imprinted with that large size as the norm. You go on chasing this illusion your whole life trying to recreate this impression on a subconscious level.
    (He says the same is true for abused men)
    We often seek excessively deep penetration and slightly painful sex as a form of
    self-punishment. Again, just a theory worthy of attention. I know this resonated for me because it was also my experience as a promiscuous teenager. However, it has taken me years of healing to be able to confront, challenge, and change my beliefs and programming.

  6. Collin says:

    Through the practice of Tantra, a man of any sized lingam (penis) can grow his lingam energetically within his partner to fill any space. For man who is smaller than average (like myself), it is imperative to learn this practice so that size is no longer an issue for any woman who doesn’t pre-judge me based on the physical (I know Xanet is qualified to teach this practice if that is something you wish to learn). It’s obvious that the woman who stated this need is new to Tantra and isn’t aware of this possibility.

    Well, it is great that this woman knows what she wants and was brave enough to speak her truth in the face of inevitable criticism. I’d expect that she would have no problem then of me stating (hypothetically) that I judge women based on breast size, height, weight/BMI, hip-to-waist ratio, facial symmetry, age, and vaginal tightness. I suspect said woman might not measure up based on those physical factors, just as I would not measure up to her standards of physical penis size. She would say that my penis is too small for her, though inversely, I could say that her vagina is too loose for me. Would she be offended if a man said he wouldn’t date her because she has a loose vagina? Just something to think about, as objectification goes both ways.

  7. Nikki says:

    Xanet, interesting. Since I’ve rediscovered my sexuality I find that I have an obsession with penises. In my past relationship, I thought size mattered but he did not bring me to orgasm with a large penis. I’ve found with my current lover that his size means nothing to me because he knows how to bring me to orgasm by massaging my G-spot while I use a vibrator or being inside me while I use a vibrator. We have a very loving and giving relationship and continue to grow each time we spend time together. Part of this, too, is the spiritual connection we have and his desire and willingness to further explore Tantra. It has only gotten better.

  8. I am now in my late sixties. This means that my late adolescence, and the prime of my “dating” years, were in the midst of the maelstrom of man-hating — of regarding maleness as a fundamentally diseased and defective state — that dominated the social ethos in the U.S. And I bought into it.

    As most of us who will read this now understand (I know Xanet understands, because I listened to a particular one of her interview snippets) among the many babies that were tossed out with the bath-water, in those dreadful years, was: women’s respecting their own lust.

    When I read that “political correctness” has died and rotted to the point where a women who _does_ prefer a large penis can (in what obviously was a fully appropriate forum) state as much, I rejoice.

    There is a win-win to be glimpsed, here, if I may respectfully suggest it. What is the assumption, beneath the grief … or resentment … or whatever the bad feelings may be, when this very powerful, brilliant, beautiful woman’s statement was made? No doubt there can be several assumptions, but here is one of them: The Scarcity Imposed By Monogamy. “This powerful, brilliant, beautiful woman is allowed only one penis-owner at a time, in her life, so she has to make sure it is the most fulfilling one possible.” Abundance Makes Room, Where Scarcity Imposes Optimization.

    Another win-win is what appears to be the increasing awareness about Energetic Sex. Physical size is not a factor. (But energy-sensitivity can be. And different people have different flavors of energy, to different other people. There are no guarantees of None-Rejection in any mortal endeavor.)

  9. Xanet Xanet says:

    Wow.. Really appreciate this great dialogue and the various opinions on the subject. I’ve also received a number of private emails from women and men. There is no right answer here. I respect everyone’s opinion. As in so issues around sex, the key is to keep communication open while stating your desires. I do note that the Tantrikas all brought up some great points about growing an energetic cock, which is a wonderful skill that all men (and women) can learn.

  10. Carol Horn says:

    Size does not matter as long as they have one to begin with. If you pull on a small one long enough it gets bigger.

  11. Richard says:

    I really enjoyed this discussion and want to thank Xanet for creating a safe place to talk about these subjects. Penis size is always an issue with men. We check each other out as boys, compare size, etc., much like women do with breast size. When I first started going to Harbin Hot Springs and “hanging out” as it were I noticed men with what I call schlongs, some of them huge. What I discovered, thanks to the love of my life Nadia, is that my fairly small looking penis when I am not aroused can grow to amazing proportions. A penis can grow in size depending on the love and appreciation it gets. Nadia loved to play a game with me of saying how much she loved me being small and fairly soft — she almost begged for it. As she got wet my Vajra responded automatically and before long I was like a rock. I think the key here, for me at least, was love and appreciation for who I am. This love also cured my sexual wound from childhood, and today I am free of it. One of the things that surprised me recently, and I got a little of this from the posts, is a comment by Naomi Wolf in her biography “Vagina”. She says that she herself was surprised how many men expressed a holistic gratitude for the vagina (especially one that is wet I might add)and often expressed a sense of relief and joy “at being so completed accepted and so fully welcomed.” Naomi’s view is that women underestimate the importance to men of women’s acceptance of them. I agree totally. When Nadia and I were making love I was home. And believe me, when a man feels at home, his Vajra can do wonders!

  12. Ralph says:

    Previous size is a much an issue for men a it is for women. Sometimes i feel as if women are saying it is big just too stroke the ego. Different people like different things. To each God our her own, just speak the truth.

  13. Ralph says:

    Penis size is a much an issue for men a it is for women. Sometimes i feel as if women are saying it is big just too stroke the ego. Different people like different things. To each God our her own, just speak the truth.

  14. Ralph says:

    Penis size is a much an issue for men a it is for women. Sometimes i feel as if women are saying it is big just too stroke the ego. Different people like different things. To each his or her own, just speak the truth.

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